Episode #7 How You Talk to Yourself Matters
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You are listening to weight a minute with Beth and Jessica episode seven.
We all have thoughts streaming from our brain all the time. Some are conscious. Others are subconscious. This voice that narrates our life from within begins, forming as babies. As we learn language, we take in everything from our surroundings and are shaped continuously by what we learn, observe and consume over our life.
We take an information about diet culture from our family, friends, media of all kinds, our coworkers and the list goes on. This is a kind of programming that we carry with us and we apply it to our everyday perspective, like a pair of glasses, unique to us and our experiences. We often believe that our thoughts are true and factual.
But what if they aren't, how do we become the observers of our thoughts and learn to question and reshape our beliefs so that they serve us today. We're exploring the voice in our head and how we can better understand it and change it if we want. Okay, Jessica, why is the voice critical so often? Like why aren't we just wired to be super positive all the time?
Wouldn't that be nice? The biggest reason is really that our brains are wired to seek what is wrong as a means of survival. So if we were just, if our brain was just content and chill, we might get attacked by a lion or something. And that's a little trickier in modern times because we're not as concerned about being attacked by lions, but our brain is just doing its job by being a little critical.
And the key is that we don't have to believe it all of the time. Right. So you're saying that we are naturally sort of negative because we, if we're not looking out for like the negative things happening around us, which used to be very life or death situations, but that programming is still in us. Yeah.
Working with really, really old hardware. So even though, um, our world has evolved around us, our brains. Still, you know, very much rooted in these primal ways of survival. So if we are being critical then for actually being safe in a way, oh, I guess it's like how you hear about when people say that the thing.
I hate the most is public speaking. And that's because there are so many people looking at them and it's so scary that that's part of like, we would be kicked out of the tribe if you didn't, you know? Right. Yeah. I mean, it definitely comes down to just like fear of rejection, fear of. Dying. It's just all fear-based, but that's just how our brain is wired is the fear of the unknown.
Yeah. And then there's like, what, 1% of the population that's naturally positive. I don't know what that factor really is, but that's what it seems like. There's just a few of us that are naturally positive. And then the rest of us were like, we're going to die at any moment. I think it's not what Elon Musk is working on.
It's like, uh Neurolink as opposed to side bar. Our like monkey brain and just only tap into our prefrontal cortex so that we can like reduce fear and reduce that critical mind so that we can be more apt to just be our best selves all the time. I don't know. It's kind of weird to think that we can override that.
Technology. I don't know if I'm ready for that. Uh, I have not heard of this new Elon Musk project and I think it was going to take your word for it. I'll read about it later. I'm not ready. Okay. So how do we stop believing this negative Nancy in our head and think differently? Well, it definitely takes a lot of practice and a lot of compassion.
And really the first step is just to learn how to just notice your thinking, what are your thoughts? You know, we're so often unaware of them. And so, you know, to become aware, you could try journaling. Meditating, even just talking with friends, having them ask you questions. Therapy is always helpful.
Coaching is always really helpful, you know, and from there I think the steps really very it's like, well, how was this particular critical thought formed? Is it coming? Is it a result of a traumatic experience or was it just something that you believed from television? You know, there's a lot of different ways that we're getting this programming.
And I think it really matters of like how. It's going to change how we can shift from it. Does the critical voice ever go away for good? You know, I was thinking about that earlier and no, I mean, I still have critical thoughts, you know, time to time, but I think that voice. Gets softer. It shows up less often.
And now I am less apt to believe it. Like I become the observer when it pops up. I'm like, oh, there is that critical mind. You know? And I, I don't have to believe it right away, but it's one of those things where I think people think like, oh, self-confidence just means you're never going to think anything negative again.
Unfortunately, that's not true. Yeah. Cause we can still have self-confidence and still every once in a while have a way where it thought about how we're not good enough about something. I mean yeah, because that's how our brains are wired. Right. So like, can you think of a recent time, or maybe you were critical of your.
Of course. I mean, I've got lots of, I've got quite a few right now, but would you like specific examples of truly, I mean, if you have one to share with the class, I would have to say with the class I'm keeping it real. Okay. So it's actually not related to my body. Is that. Yeah, and I think that's a good point.
It's like, sometimes you might be like, oh, I don't think negatively about my body as much, but now I'm thinking negatively in some other areas my life. So, yes, please share. Okay. So I would say that this has been a big revelation for me in the past couple of weeks. So, so, you know, I used to joke around with you all the time.
When we shared an office that I had. ADHD. And so I used to joke, well, I finally, you know, really did some research into it and started thinking about like, why do I put myself down a lot about how I like can't get very much accomplished or I have all these goals. And I'd like really struggle to make a lot of them happen.
Like I can get started or I can have the idea, but I. Get halfway through. And so I put myself down a lot because I, you know, I just haven't gone as far in life as I thought I would, and I have all this, like go get them things, but I just don't accomplish things. So it turns out that that's like a big thing in ADHD and women is this whole, you know, we struggle to get things done, even though we're really smart and try really hard.
It's just like that whole follow through. So I've always put myself down and we'd go through these blue periods, but it turns out. Because it was undiagnosed with the, how ADHD can show up in women. So, yeah, that's my common thing. So I now can see where those thoughts were forming and now I can be like, oh no, that's actually not true.
This is all part of the other thing. And so now I can have like a better way to course, correct. Instead of what I like to do is shut down. And when it comes to. Go lay down. So now I'm like, oh, that's why I laid down when I'm overwhelmed. That's because it's just like too much. I can't function. And so it's just easier to just be like, okay.
I mean, we just won't do anything. Yeah. Yeah. It's very common. So now it's just being able to, like, I have good now instead of criticizing myself, which I had been, so it's like, oh, within the last couple of weeks, I have like, totally been able to like, Go from a, to B on relearning thoughts about myself.
Yeah. It's really learning thoughts and are also gaining new tools and rebuilding skills that are going to support you in the process. Yeah. What about you? Yeah, sometimes you've been critical of yourself. Yeah. I mean, I think just to bring it back to the point of diet, culture, and box. Um, because I do think I definitely criticized myself a lot less in that area, but it still comes up, you know, just like casually.
I mean, obviously I just went on a vacation. I was in Cabo with my family and, you know, you're just packing and you're trying on swimsuits. And of course your brain is just like, oh,
um, you know, sometimes your brain, you know, disappointment comes up or you have a flash of like, oh man, I wish that, you know, I had been trying harder. Last nine months rotor, but you're like, no, you know, I don't know. I just, I feel like it's just interesting to me how it comes up, but now I can really just be like, no, that's not what I'm going to choose to believe today.
And it's not that I'm jumping to something like, oh my God, I love my body. It's so beautiful. Which is like, yeah, if you can do that, that's great. But I think that. There's a lot of gray area and a lot of benefit to just stay neutral and just noticing like, oh, well, isn't that interesting that I'm having this critical thought.
And like, I am choosing not to believe that today because I have other things to pay attention to. And I just want to focus on having a good time and not thinking about the things about me out. So. You know, there's that. And then of course, yeah. I think with being an entrepreneur and, you know, in the work that we do, it's, there's always a way to find criticism, whether it's like, is anybody even listening to this podcast?
Is anyone even gonna read that newsletter? You know, I mean, we can always be thinking like, am I doing well enough? Am I good enough? Am I worthy? And it's just, now that I know how normal it is, and then it sh it's almost like if I can expect it, then I can better prepare for it and I can manage it in a much slower.
Yeah. So the kind of cool thing about the voices in our head is that they do kind of play a role, especially when they are conflicting. So, you know, instead of being at odds with ourselves forever, we can learn how did this voice show up? What was the reason? And we can understand it and learn how to process it so that we can share.
Beth. Can you share a little bit about how you explore inner voices with clients through ifs? Yes. So in ifs sometime what we like to think about is, you know, it's like, well, a part of me believes this about my body and a part of me does not believe that about my body. But that sort of component. So what we do is when we keep, for example, if somebody is like making progress and are doing really great, and then all of a sudden they are starting to be like, uh, what will happen is the new shiny and the willpower of 24 hour meal planning and those types of tools that we recommend to people start to.
Not become so fun and easy for people, which is totally normal, but they will get this critical voice that comes in that says, see, we told you, you couldn't do it. You're not good enough. You're not gonna lose the weight. Dah, dah, dah, dah. And so all of that starts happening. And so I look to be like, okay, What is the background of that?
Like where did it come from? So we use it as what's called a trail head. Right. And so it's like, okay, what's the role of this critical voice in your head? Um, we call it like the inner critic might be like a good way to describe it. We probably all have many different types of inner critics depending on how they came to us throughout our life.
Like what did they need to protect us from? And so we kind of get to know that inner critic and ultimately. Oftentimes, what happens is, is that their role that they have for us started out with good intentions and they were just trying to protect us and a time where we weren't able to process what was coming into us, like either through trauma or, you know, I call it say trauma trauma can be big T trauma that we always think about like all the really horrible things that can happen to us.
And they can be little T trauma. Being a human in the world, you know, experiencing life and things like that. So it can be from like a little event, like something that happened at school with a friend and then this critical voice came in. And so then what we do is we work to heal that little one that has stuck.
So it's like stuck on the nervous system. And so. We released that and then often, and so then as that goes on it, depending on the person, it can take a lot of time and then the critical voice gets less and less. And then, you know, what we call the self, you know, leading from your heart space is what comes out.
And so that critical voice is, is not needed so much. Um, you get to eat from your heart. Awesome. So that's it. In a nutshell, how we work through that, it's not so simple. It's, there's a lot of, a lot of emotions that come up and there are some parts that really love their job of being so critical. It takes time in some cases, I also find that coaching is super helpful.
So how does coaching approach the inner voice in coaching? We believe that your thoughts are predominantly what drives the way you feel. And I say predominantly because there are some other experiences, um, that might not be the case, but predominately. Your thoughts are driving the way that you feel. So if you're feeling bad and I'm just using bad as a broad thing, right?
That could be a lot of different negative emotions, but if you're feeling bad, then the reason is because of your thoughts, usually about a circumstance, not the actual circumstances of what's going on in your life. And you likely are thinking this way because of that programming that we previously mentioned.
So we can get curious and explore this by digging a little deeper into that emotion and the thought process that's going on in your book. That's why we care about how you feel and about processing emotions, because what you do or don't do comes directly from what you're feeling. So what do you do when you feel frustrated?
Disappointed, tired, angry, resentful, all of the negative things. Well, if you're listening to this podcast, I'm guessing part of your way of coping is related to food. So when you feel bad, you might tend to eat your food. And then you're also avoiding other actions that probably serve you more. So like, you know, when Beth was like, when I get overwhelmed, I go lay down.
That's a really good example of just like inaction, right? Like we find a place of inaction, not necessarily action. So unfortunately diet culture is teaching us that we maybe should feel guilt or shame and torment ourselves because that's what drives results, but it's not true. So if we, um, need to tap into and shift our emotional state in order to change our results, and it really starts with higher thinking and of course, diet culture, and diets only address what you eat or don't eat, which you know, it's not necessarily that helpful.
Diet culture really plays a lot into addressing the guilt and the shame about what we eat and things like that. So how do these negative thoughts also shape our body image? Yes. So your body image is just a collection of your thoughts, the way that you think about your body. You know that belief system.
So in order to improve body image, which the reason why I think body image is important, you know, this comes up and we'll talk about body image in another podcast. But like, you know, when we think about body image is important, because that is like the root of our, you know, the competence of so many things, you know, where it's like, we have clients that avoid shopping.
You know, they don't want to buy clothes that fit because they don't like their body. Or, you know, we brought up public speaking earlier. Like people are afraid to, you know, be the center of attention because of their body. There's just like a lot of reasons why, if we have poor body image, you know, we're really holding ourselves back from a lot of really wonderful things in life.
If we're looking at our body with this negative lens, and we're constantly using this critical eye on it, we're not going to have a very healthy body image or at least one that feels good. So learning how to shift that mindset is actually what creates healthy body image. Whereas, you know, I think people, or at least diet culture says you get a healthy body image by changing your body, but really you get a healthy body image from changing the way that you think about your.
body Right. So this is that whole thing really about loving yourself no matter what. Absolutely. Yeah. So it's just kind of like our coach says, you know, she always has her own back and that includes how she thinks and feels about her body. And that's actually what. You know, I teach about self-confidence is self-confidence is not feeling the high of being confident all the time.
It's just having your own back, even when you don't feel great and learning how to find that compassion and acceptance from various perspectives Yeah, yesterday, actually I can relate, you know, you mentioned about clothes and stuff. It's like, I need a bigger size pair of jeans. And normally in the past I would have totally beaten myself up about that, but I'm just like, no, I just need to go get a pair of jeans.
These jeans are just a little tight and I'm uncomfortable. So I'm just like trying to think really the only thing I'm annoyed about is I'm like, where am I going to fit that into my schedule? Cause I, I just don't want to buy them online because I hate, you know, Yeah, Amelia. Right? So that's the only thing I'm annoyed about, but I'm so I was like thinking, wow.
You know, even though I've been doing this for so long and I have a lot of self-acceptance, I'm still amazed that I am not beating myself up over changing, needing to go up a size. It's just like, well, that's just where I'm at right now. And do I might wear those jeans forever? I don't know, but I'm not going to worry about it.
I just don't want to be uncomfortable with my dang. So, yeah, I kind of want to touch on the reverse side of this too, because I actually, I weighed myself last week for fun. The number was honestly the lowest number. I've seen it in a really long time, like even pre pregnancy. But what was interesting is there was that opposite of critical voice, right?
Like at first there was that voice that was like, oh my God, that's amazing. Like I made that number means something really positive about myself. And when I kind of sat with it, I was. That's number. I know it doesn't really mean anything. And then when I thought about what the number actually meant was like, I am lacking some muscle composition, you know?
And so when I really got to think about it, I was like, it's interesting how, you know, even like what we think might be really positive thinking. I don't know, like that wasn't really that positive. It was like an old voice, you know, about like what that number might've meant to me in the. I'm like, oh, actually it's like, Hmm.
You know, it doesn't really mean what I would have thought it meant a while ago. Oh yeah. That's interesting that even though you were excited, you still were like, uh, let me examine this. I could see how it'd be so easy to be like, yes. And then just move on with your day, you know? And not that you would have like, gone to celebrate with anything cause it's not like you get that's your goal to be it that way.
If I don't. Yeah, I could see you, you just be excited to move on and move on. So yeah, no, it's like, I'm examining all of my thoughts now. Not just the negative ones, but it's like, well, why do I believe this is a positive thing? Let me explore that. And so I think that's kind of where I'm at right now and where I'd love to see everybody with.
And it doesn't mean that we have to be living in self doubt, you know, or like I'm trying to be negative about it or that I can't accept great things, you know, it's just like, let me explore. Right. Share with us, what really the impact is of those negative thoughts. So when we do this exercise with people, this is really where it gets home for people, because we can talk all about, you know, how your thoughts create your feelings and dah, dah, dah.
It's all very important, but they really don't get it until we think about. That all the negative thoughts that you have day in and day out. Now imagine that you said all of those things that you think about yourself out loud. To your best friend as she's going out through her day, you text her these things, or when you call her on the phone and tell her, you know, that she's fat and she doesn't, um, she needs to get bigger clothes and dah, dah, dah, and she can't go on vacation until she lose weights.
Or you told your child these things that you say to yourself or your spouse. Um, we have some people that love their dogs. And I said, imagine telling your dog, all the things. That you say to yourself, she was like, oh, I would never. So just imagine all those things that you say and say them out loud to somebody that you love and imagine how that might make them feel or how that would help them in any way, like you would, no one would ever do any of those things.
And so that's essentially what you were doing to yourself when you talk to yourself, even in your head and it's not out loud. All of those negative things, you are taking that on and it's creating real and emotional, physical harm. No good can come out of talking about ourselves this way. So, you know, when I stopped criticizing myself all the time, I was not only emotionally lighter, but I also got physically lighter and brighter and my personality and the way that I showed up around people.
So it makes a huge, huge difference. So stop talking to yourself this way. When you notice it, find a way out. Yeah, no more self-inflicted cruelty because also when you do that to yourself, you're also creating a stress response, right? So it's like, you're, you're just perpetuating the negative cycle and it keeps us disconnected from our body.
Right? Like a lot of us are walking around with this like head. With the thoughts that are going all the time and we are disconnected from our bodies and, you know, really appreciating that is we're all one unit. So when you criticize yourself, like it keeps you even more disconnected and disconnected, which makes it harder for the process that many people are trying to go through.
Okay. That was a lot for one day. You know, my favorite place to find a diet culture is on Facebook. And just this morning, I saw a woman post in a group saying, you know, she's getting married in one month and she doesn't think that she can fit into her. 'cause her, her belly. And she's asking if anyone has any low-impact fat burning exercises to help her fit into her dress.
And the answers saying, tell me the answers, because this is where things go awry, right? Well, of course I'm like, is there just any way that you can alter the. Because that seems a lot less stressful and cruel than forcing yourself into a juice.
Um, cause I feel like there needs to be some voice of reason, um, in some of these, because let's see. Um, but basically everyone just chimes in their favorite crash diets, right? So somebody says very low carb intake, you know, think Quito. Somebody suggest, uh, oh, Quito again, cut out sugar and carbs. Oh, if you can be insanely disciplined, do egg whites and berries for breakfast, a big salad with tuna, for lunch and chicken, brown, rice and broccoli for dinner,
chicken, brown, rice, and broccoli dinner. And then someone says practice intermittent fasting for the next month. I definitely recommend 18 hour fast. Somebody who said hot yoga. Somebody said she has a 30 day summit down program that she could send. Um, and it includes a 10 day detox. That is a guaranteed to flatten your stomach.
So here's the deal is, is that she came with a legitimate problem. She knows that there is a strong of, and you know, here's the thing she's probably thought about all of the. Options. And because she's like spinning, guessing, right? I'm just projecting here. Then she's like needing some more validation that doing said crash diet, like thing to get into her dress in a month is the more reasonable way to go then having her dress altered.
Yeah. Everybody wants to be their most perfect, beautiful selves on their wedding day. So like, Get it. Right. And I think th that's the thing that, especially in bridal culture, like this is the time, right? I do want to share another answer with you that will up. So somebody said whole 30 exclamation point.
It's all about eating whole foods. So it's healthy for you. I only did it for 10 days and left on and I felt amazing. You know what? Those five pounds were Watson. Yeah, it was water. I mean, those first that when, you know, when you first start out, it's like those first couple pounds, five pounds, um, for some it's 10 is like all the water weight people will be what?
Okay. So here's the reason why, cause now I have to say is that because when we cut out carbs, Like that, to that extreme and some of the inflammatory foods carbs, take water to hold them into our body. And so therefore when you stop eating carbohydrates, the first bit is not you losing weight. That is the water that went with holding carbohydrates in your body.
So there you have. Which will have a whole podcast about carbs.
So anyway, this is just, you know, such an example of culture kinks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I dunno, that was my experience for this week in diet culture. And I'm sure I'll oh, uh, there's a few votes for Spanx. I see. That is, that was more reasonable. Go put on Spanx, try on your dress. See how you. The, uh, uh, like I want to give this bride a hug, you know, and just let her know that it's all going to be okay.
And, you know, at the end of the day, it's like, yes, we think everyone's looking at us and we just want to feel our most confident, but like, it's just about so much more than that. And especially when you experienced, like all of your friends and family in one place, like, you feel the love, it's like, oh, are you really worrying about your stomach?
And hopefully not. Yeah. I know. I wasn't. I had a lot of wine. Two, two pieces of cake delicious. And then, you know, the critical mind in me is like, well, why is she just now addressing this one month prior?
Anyway, maybe subconsciously I picked my wedding dress a million years ago when I wore it. It laced up in the back and there was no zipper or anything like that. And so I had a wa I had had a lot of range. I could come and go. Right. It also comes to the idea like w w you know, I think a lot of times women are buying clothes, a size smaller, like, you know, if you're between sizes or like I'll pick the small line and I'll just lose weight.
Yeah. Don't pick the small one. It's better to tailor down than try to. Yeah, of course your body into something that doesn't fit. I wish that we could get rid of the diet culture wedding situation. That's like half of it right here. Well, I sure hope we gave you something new to think about today and helped you take one more step on your path to free yourself from bag culture.
Be sure to subscribe to this podcast and follow us on Instagram at path underscoring permission, and we'll see you next week.
