WHAT IS PEOPLE PLEASING?

If you aren’t familiar with this term, people pleasing, it refers to a behavior where you go out of your way to make others happy or gain their approval, often at the expense of your own needs, desires, or even well-being. 

People pleasers tend to prioritize the feelings and opinions of others over their own, seeking validation and avoiding conflict.

People-pleasers may find themselves constantly saying "yes" to requests, even when it inconveniences them, and may struggle to set boundaries. 

They may fear disapproval, criticism, or conflict, leading them to prioritize harmony in relationships over expressing their true feelings or needs.

WHY DO WE DO THIS? 

People pleasing can be learned behavior, if you had people pleasing parents, or if you’ve faced some sort of trauma or even abuse that’s led to fear of rejection, low self-esteem, or a desire to be liked. 

BUT ALSO, it can be learned from cultural/social standards. For example, in the south there’s such an emphasis on being polite or having manners. There’s rules to follow, even if you don’t want to, which can be inauthentic at times. Hence the term, “bless her heart.”

While being considerate and accommodating in social interactions is generally positive, people-pleasing becomes problematic when it leads to a pattern of self-neglect, exhaustion, and a lack of authenticity. Over time, it can impact one's mental and emotional well-being. It's important for individuals to find a balance between being considerate of others and taking care of their own needs and boundaries.

What does people pleasing have to do with my relationship with food or my health? 

Everything.

It might seem subtle. You might overeat for various reasons related to people pleasing, but again its that pattern of self-neglect. Or you may use food as a way to cope with the exhaustion or as a means of staying small/inauthentic to self. Here’s some examples of how people pleasing gets woven into your eating habits and food patterns.

• People / partners in your life with different habits. It can be difficult if the people in your life aren’t supportive. You have to have or develop a lot of self-confidence and self-assurance.

• Social situations with friends and family. You may not feel comfortable saying no or having healthy boundaries.

• Overeating can be a way to cope with the exhaustion of inauthenticity or from feeling like you can’t express yourself the way you want.

• Ease. Sometimes it’s just easier to “go with the flow” and not have to put in the effort.

• Can you think of more?

How can you stop people pleasing or find some balance? 

• Make time to reflect on your own needs, values, and boundaries. (this alone can be really challenging/scary for a lot of people) Here’s a link to a needs list that can help you identify some areas of your life that you may want to begin to prioritize.

• Understand why you engage in people-pleasing behavior. Are you seeking approval, avoiding conflict, or fearing rejection? Identifying the underlying motivations can be a crucial step. 

• Clearly define your own boundaries and priorities. This involves knowing when to say "no" and recognizing that it is okay to prioritize your own needs and well-being.

• Practice assertiveness in communication. Learn to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a respectful and clear manner. Sometimes we think it’s nicer to beat around the bush or fluff things up as to manage someone elses reaction or soften the blow. The reality is that clear is always kind and that it’s okay for someone to have their own emotional response or experience. They may even surprise you with how they take the news.

• We will repeat, it is not your job to manage everyone else's feelings or outcomes. Learn how to manage YOUR own discomfort with their negative emotions. Sure, that’s easier said than done but it is possible.

• Working with a Therapist or a Life Coach can help you make shifts needed in order to reduce people pleasing and start living your most authentic life.

Learn More!

Listen to the full conversation on our podcast, Weight a Minute. Click here to listen or watch now!