This week we talk about a sneaky phrase that we use that limits our life right now: "When I......" When I reach this goal, I can do or have this thing. If you have said this to yourself before or are operating from this place now, listen in so you can get out of this trap!

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TRANSCRIPT

INTRO

 You are listening to Weight a Minute, with Beth and Jessica, episode 42.

I'm Jessica Pearson, Certified Life Coach. And I'm Beth Barnett Boebel, Integrative Nutrition Therapist. Together we're a Path Nutrition and we help clients break free from diet, culture, and create a healthy relationship with their body and food. Get our free Anti-Diet toolkit now by going to our website, path nutrition.com.

There's also still time to sign up for an Unlimited V I P program. It's a one year program that's a full makeover of body in mind. We're including everything so you can learn to understand your body and how to treat it and understand your mind and what's in it. We're even including a retreat to Costa Rica if you sign up before January 1st! Please go to path nutrition.com/unlimited to learn more.

Hey Beth, it's your birthday. Happy birthday! Thank you. I didn't wish you happy birthday when we got on, cuz I wanted to save it for this moment. How's your day going? Oh, thanks. Pretty good. I'm sitting in the bathroom. I'm not using the bathroom, but the joys of life in Austin because the house is getting demoed next door and I didn't want everybody to have to hear just like the crunchy pounding sound, or have to have our editor try to figure out how to edit that out. So I'm in the bathroom, but it's my favorite bathroom with my favorite wallpaper, so ya. Are you doing anything today to celebrate or did y'all celebrate over the weekend?

We had fancy dinner last night, but today after we get off of this, I am gonna go wakesurf, so I'm gonna put on my wetsuit and go surf and see if that elusive 360 happens today cuz I'm so close. That's very brave of you because it's only like 60 degrees and it's super foggy. Well the weather said it was gonna be 75, so we're like Oh, it'll be perfect.

I hope you hit the 360. That's exciting. Will you film it ? Can you get somebody to film it? We will try. We're not very good at filming our sessions, but we will try. We could totally do a reel of like the 10 times you fell and then when you finally did it, it would be very exciting.

It would be like, like at least a couple hundred falls and then the one, well, I can get all the way around, but I can't keep going. Like I'm not able to land and then like keep going. I'm like stalled. I'm stalled out at the top, and then I'm like, oh. So there's a lot of potential footage of that in my mind.

The When I Trap

Well, 44 and wake surfing and doing tricks is pretty amazing. I love that for you. Yeah. Which then it's perfect. Actually, it's a perfect segue into today's topic. Yeah. So today we wanted to touch on the, “when I trap”, and that's the trap of when you say to yourself, like, this is just an example, right? But we say to ourselves, when I lose the weight is when owl by the thing or do the thing, you know, it's like, mm-hmm , then I'll buy the dress or then I'll buy new jeans.

And that's kind of a small example, but it's. When you believe that putting off what you really desire is necessary, and you're telling yourself that you can't have it until you achieve something else first. At least that's how I would explain it. Is that how you think about it? Yeah, that's exactly how I think about it.

So if we take monetary things out of it and it's like, oh, well, I'll go do this activity or this vacation, when I, and in our world it's associated with a weight loss. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, oh, when I lose weight, then I will feel more confident. And we believe that is a trap, you know? And so it's like, well, why are we putting off what we really want?

And I think there's a couple big ones, and one is definitely that our brain is kind of wired to fear the unknown. So if we don't know what it feels like to be confident in our body then it's just your brain trying to protect you from the unknown. Essentially, but it's kind of that old wiring that's not necessary.

It's not like a dangerous act, right? ? Mm-hmm. . So it's just kind of this brain trying to protect us and it will send us these messages of, Ooh, how can I delay this scary thing in my mind? And so that's one reason. And then the other one, which I don't know, I feel like both of these happened to me, but it might be this underlying belief that maybe we don't deserve it or not good enough to get it yet, and that that one I feel like can be subconscious or overt. Right? Sometimes we feel very connected to that thought and other times it's kind of lingering underneath and we don't even know that we're really telling ourself that. Yeah, I used to do this with certification.

Certification chasing, so like, oh, I'm not going to be the practitioner that I wanna be until I get all these letters behind my name. Then I don't know when it clicked and I was like, oh, I don't care anymore. Yeah. So I don't, I don't wait for the, the certifications to, to dictate how I'm going to proceed in my practice.

Yeah. That's such a good one. Meaning I'm not gonna like, you know, put anybody in danger. Yeah. clarify. . Right. Not practicing out of her scope, but it's like, that is just such a good one because I think that as you know, we have a lot of high achieving female clients, you know? Mm-hmm. or, or just high achieving clients in general.

And that's really common of like, I have to achieve, achieve, achieve. It's like this perfectionist attitude of like, if I can't do it perfect, I'm not gonna do it at all. Which essentially is, you know, putting it off because we don't believe that we're good enough yet. Right. Yeah. So I just would be like, well, I'm just never, we're never gonna have the success until I get all these letters.

I'm so glad. Like I got rid of that. It was so fun. Yeah. I love to practice the thought of like, I have what I need right now. Mm-hmm. , because it's so easy with anything. It could be education, it could be money, it could be clothes, it could be weight, it could be anything you know or love, you know, attention time.

Energy, right? It's like we just think we need more, more, more, more, more. Mm-hmm. , and maybe we do need a little bit more of some of these things, but we, it's like we end up in the trap. How do we know what we're, when we're in the trap is what we're gonna talk about next. Mm-hmm. . Um, so first I was asked like, well, what is the desire?

How to Get Out of the Trap

Like, what is the thing that you're putting off that you would like to have or achieve or experience? And then why? Well, first like what am I telling myself? What am I saying that's putting it off? Why am I telling myself that I can't have it now? Like, what is my excuse? And then do I like that reason?

Like do I think it's a good enough excuse or reason? Because you know, sometimes we're like, well, am I just being. Irresponsible or responsible, like how do I know? There's usually some facts or clues that are facts that can help us look at it. And oftentimes like the facts are really helpful versus the, you know, dramatic story that we're telling ourselves that is not true.

So to go back to like the weight or the body thing, you know, it's like, oh yeah, I can't buy a new pair of jeans until I lose 10 pounds. Like, that's not a fact. Right? . You know, there might be other facts around that circumstance or experience that might be a better reason for you that feels good.

But I guess the other way to know is to really like check in with your body and see like how does this feel? Like, does it feel good to put it off or does it feel, I don't know, restrictive or constricting? Or is it like coming from a place of fear that is not the exciting fear? You know, we talk. The older we get, we kind of confuse or conflate like fear and excitement.

Sometimes it's hard to determine between the two, but usually when I'm excited, I'm smiling , I might still be really scared and like tense, but I can tell because I'm smiling versus like fear. Fear. Gotcha. So yeah. How did you get to the place where you were like, okay, I don't need these extra certifications?

Even if you wanted 'em, like you might still go get. But, well, so for example, with the functional medicine one, I did everything. I took all the classes. I wrote the case study. Granted, in hindsight, the first case study I submitted Yeah, didn't have in as much details. You know, cuz they couldn't read my mind.

So when I resubmitted the case study for another $400 then and I, and I put everything into it, I was like, there's no detail undone here. And then, then I waited forever for those results, but I was really confident in it. And then I took the online test and it was like a whole bunch of stuff. It reminded me of being back in college and high school.

Of just like knowing the stuff, but then they test you on things that you're like, where did that come from? Like you were supposed to remember all this other stuff from things that got you to this one class, and that's how it felt. And so I was just really mad. So I somehow passed a test that I walked out on and then failed the case study where I nailed it because they didn't believe in the Ayurvedic medicine path that I chose for that client to support that.

And that I should have done more of like an X, Y, and Z thing. And I was like, wait, what? None of this makes any sense? And so I realized that it was about some other thing for them and about money. It wasn't really about the functional medicine process. And I was like, no, I know what I can do. And I have witnessed it over and over and over again with clients and I am done chasing this thing.

Yeah, like done because I, it was just so frustrating to me to go through the whole process and pay so much money, and then it was so all backwards and I was like, no, I can't do this anymore. I know what I know and I help people every day. I love that thought. I know what I know and I help people Every day is such a good thing.

Yeah, I mean it's kind of crazy cuz it took you to this like kind of, I don't know, I don't wanna put words in your mouth, but it like stressful or maybe disappointing experience. It was all, um, I was, you were just like, I remember calling you and I was like, I just walked out of the test. You were like, isn't it early for you to be done?

I was like, I walked out, I need a margarita and you consoled me. When I was just like shaking my head, going at the restaurant, drinking my margarita at 11 o'clock, going, what happened? I studied bur bond. When we, when we used to have margaritas on Fridays. Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah. So, well, so I guess my point of, of saying that is like, you know, sometimes to get to this understanding of ourself and our self worth is not always like a glamorous like aha moment where we just are feeling good sometimes.

It's like we have to, I got kicked in the knees. Yeah, you got kicked down a little. This is where, you know, we talk about self-confidence is like, oh, you were able to like get yourself back up and you knew what you knew. Mm-hmm. . And it was like kind of this moment where you're like, wait a second, I'm gonna believe.

Like I don't need to go by their rules. I don't need to do what they're telling me and I am still worthy and I know what I know and I can help people. And I just think that's such a beautiful thing. And I think that's what we kind of are getting at with clients is we want them to get to a point where they know what they know and they know they can help the.

Mm-hmm. . Yeah. Yeah. Because with, with, you feel stuck by weight, you know, that is really, that's a challenging place because, you know, there's just so many things that you can still always do in the body that you're in. And I, I know that some people have like a certain number cause they're like, well then I can't.

These rides or do these particular activities, and it's like, well, I get that and I understand that, but we can still do other things. Mm-hmm. And then while we are slowly working towards this other goal of being able to get to this number, so you can do these things, but we're still not gonna stop living now.

Go on this one thing that we, that you know, a lot of people, you know, like have the desire to go and, you know, want to do that activity, but then, you know, we really, we might do it like once a year or two or three, you know, like it's usually actually not as top of mind for a lot of us when, but we make it be really important.

Yeah, it sounds like a big deal. It's kind of that we want what we can't have right Desire. And it does feel like a milestone. You're like, I worked really hard to get to this point so I could do this thing. Like go on the zip line or whatever. And it just sounds really glamorous, but if we're holding the rest of ourselves back in our everyday lives, it's gonna be that much harder to get to that point.

And we've talked about future you, you know, we had a podcast earlier this year about getting really clear on all of our desires and our wants about the future, and. Doing our best to pull as much of that into the present as possible. So yeah, maybe we can't go on the Zipline today, but there's a lot of other things that we can do today that are going to drive that confidence.

And you know, people say like, I'm just tired of tired. Or I'm tired of doing the doing, or I can't even do the doing because so down and. And when we can pull those future you things into the present, there's just these little sparks, you know, that kind of light, that flame of desire and satisfaction to be able to show up for yourself in a new way without taking these like really drastic, crazy measures.

And we're just building a little bit of momentum one thing at a time, and then we actually do create a life that feels good for you. Mm-hmm. . And then you start making choices that feel better in your. But when we're down and out, because we can't do the thing that we really wanna do, I think we stay stuck in the trap of the behaviors that we're trying to get outta.

Yeah. And we tend to not do the other things. We tr tend to not do things that light us up. Yes. Yeah. So I would say it's like what really lights you up? And whose desire is it? I think that's a good check. Ah. on our podcast with Chris Hale. He was saying like, yeah, whose goal is it? I think he's like, yeah, whose desire is it?

Is it really my desire or was it a desire set for me by diet culture or my mom? Or you know, in this case it was like education. Mm-hmm. , right? Like this school or company was like, you gotta have the certificate or you don't know any of this, which is not accurate, right? Mm-hmm. . So it's like, whose desire is this?

And how much of it is mine, I think is a good check too. Mm-hmm. . Okay. So yeah, if you find yourself saying, when I do this, then I, the, when I, then I, is it, is it good red flag moment just to pause? It's not necessarily wrong, but it's just a place to pause and to check in with yourself and see if it's actually worth putting it off.

Concur.

Anti-Diet Segment

We keep our eyes peeled for things in the media or in real life that come from diet culture or that perpetuate diet culture in some way. These are often the subtle ways it creeps in, which is why we're shining a light on it and sharing it with you. So this is our last podcast recording of 2022. And I know we talked about New Year's resolutions last year, but it's, it's something we can continue to discuss.

Cause I don't know if everybody here has listened to that, but let's talk about it. New Year's resolution. So well, before we get into the nitty gritty of why we wanna talk about it, I will say, and I wish I could find the document, I remember because I had a, you know, one year old at home and my husband was working and I wasn't quite feeling up to it.

I did not go out on New Year's Eve. So I made a list of all of the goals for myself for this year, and I. Cannot find the document. Mm-hmm. . But I know two things were on there that I was really proud of to like, to do for myself. And one of 'em was like, go on a girls' trip, cuz it was something that I hadn't done after having a baby and mm-hmm.

being through the pandemic, like it had just been so long before I got to do something like that for myself. And so that was like, It seems maybe silly, but I was just so excited to be like, Hey, I wrote down this goal and I did it, and then I was trying to think what the other one was, but I know at least, like there were probably 10, and I know I, I got through like seven outta 10 of 'em.

No, but I, I wanted to prove that number to myself because I cannot find the list, but I'm gonna find it. Just, did you like hand read it, or it's like an electronic list? It's, it's electronic. I remember sitting in bed on my laptop, like typing it out. Mm-hmm. . So I don't know if it was an email to my, I've searched emails, I've searched documents.

I don't know where it is, but I wanna find it. It'll probably pop up at the, you know, an opportune time. But, but yeah, so I, I do like using the new year, even though I think time is imaginary and completely made up. I do like using the new year to, you know, reflect on what we've done all year and to reflect on, you know, my goals.

Things that I want to achieve for the next year. And like many people that have come before me, and in current times a long time ago, I probably would've put body or weight on that list. And I haven't been doing that at all. Probably for, you know, at least, I don't know, eight years, maybe five. Yeah. And have you thought about urinary years?

Do you reflect? I used to. All sorts of ridiculous things I wanted to do. Years I have since stopped. I have not thought about it at all, other than one thing I was thinking about, what the other day was, all the amazing books that I have read this year. Ooh, I like that. Cause I really had like a book drought where I was only reading science and parenting books for way too long, and I finally stepped out of that and just.

So many books, and granted some of them were science. You know, we had our book report about that last week, but I just read a lot of really interesting things this year. I'm just like, wow. I really expanded myself and so I look forward to continuing that for next year. And this year, I, yes, I have one only goal, which is to start playing the drums again.

Other than that, like it can be for five minutes. I don't really care, but that's it. I'd have to get back on. Yeah. Yeah. That's, those are the only things, like, I don't, like do, I don't do a huge reflection or big goal setting in January anymore. I know myself and I write down way more things than are possible for me, and I'm, and, and not in a self-limiting way.

Like, I'm not saying that I just, it just, I just like to live as, as it goes. Well, like I said, time is imaginary, right? So it's just like, why not do it on March 1st or July 5th? I don't know. Or just, you don't have to do it at all. So I, I think also for me, cause my birthday is January 3rd, but it feels like it all goes together.

It kind of feels mushed into this like, milestone timeframe. But I did wanna talk today about, you know, since we're talking. Diet culture. Mm-hmm. is, you know, this like epidemic of people being like, this year I'm gonna, you know, like the top of the list is their body or their weight always. And I don't blame them.

There's so much discussion about fitness and getting, you know, back on the, the wagon or the horse, you know, come the new year mm-hmm. and you and I see it where it's like, yeah, everybody seems to be wherever they are. And then it's usually around March is when we're the busi. Because that's where people have been like, oh, I was trying to do it myself.

And then I realized I can't do it myself, and now I need help. But, or people are doing, like, try January or the whole, you know, the, the ever loving whole 30 Yeah. In January. Mm-hmm. . Um, yeah. I can't wait for the Whole Foods hot bar to change over January 1st. It's like four. I know. I actually, yeah, I, I actually am gonna have full-time childcare next year.

and so I actually will have more time to do something. So I'm looking forward to doing more fitness related things. Mm-hmm. and I, I kind of am like, oh no, it's like, it just happens to coincide with the new year and I wanna be like, no, it's not. Why

Yeah. I mean, there is research to show that, like beginning of the month, beginning of the year, birthday, All of these, you know, new points for us to turn over. A new leaf, I believe was on Hidden Brain Podcast, has a whole episode on this. And they are helpful touchstones for people to then create change.

So we're not saying that, you know, it's bad to do New Year's resolutions, we still want you to do them. Think of them as any other time of year. It's like what is a, like what is a goal that I have for myself? Is this within the realm of possibility for me, or is this coming from some other place that's outside of me, not me.

Like just really get, do a good reflection on why that is your. And it's, I, it's not all or nothing either, right? So I think sometimes people think, oh, I didn't hit my goal by, you know, March then I guess I have to give up on this goal, or it can't be possible for me. and you know, just that all or nothing.

Mindset thinking, I think sneaks in throughout the year or, you know, there's just so many jokes of like, well, you know, I, I didn't hit it, I didn't do any of my goals, you know, for January, so I'm just gonna quit and I'm not gonna have any kind of consistency or attempt to try to. You know, do what I set out to do because I didn't hit it.

So I think that like all or nothing thinking can be also kind of a trap when we do these kinds of bigger goal setting things. So yeah, so what I would do is encourage people to pick one thing and then with that one thing really plan it out. Like what does it really look like now? Day one. And then what do you want it to look like day 365?

You know, like what is the progression of like making that habit, that new, that new thing that you want? Like really plan it out. Be really mindful and intentional because the more that you can define it and have clarity on it, the more likely you're going to do it. So if we just put. You know, one liners on there.

I'm gonna get more, you know, example, I'm gonna lose weight this year. Well, how much and how am I gonna get there and what are the steps that I need to take to, you know, what ki you know, is there something in my way in terms of the, the types of foods that I'm eating or the way that I'm moving my body, or not moving my body?

Like what, be very specific about what the goal is, or if it's to be more. , what does that mean? Do you wanna be able to like, walk for, you know, 30 minutes without stopping? Do you want to be able to lift a certain amount of weight? Like, just be very specific. Cause the more specific you are, then you know where you are now and then where you're trying to go and it's, it makes that process a whole lot more tangible to you and your brain.

A question that I thought of while you were saying that was, Like there's how we think we're gonna feel when we get to that goal, which everybody's like, it'll be amazing. Right? Which is maybe true, maybe not true, but also asking yourself like, how do I think this process is gonna feel? Mm-hmm. , which we get the test.

I know it feels, but I think a lot of people think like, oh, we're just thinking of the results and how amazing it'll feel. We're not really thinking of like, what does commitment actually feel like? What does consistency actually feel like? And like what are the actual obstacles, like you said, and maybe what are the strategies I'm gonna come up with in order to actually.

Through or over those humps because it's not all rainbows and butterflies, you know, with anything. Right. You know, whether you're going back to school or you know, changing your body or you know, getting a new job or whatever it is, there's gonna be some challenges. Yeah. So in one of the first books I read of the year, so 11 months ago, phonic Habits and it talks about like you have to fall in love with the process and be okay.

With the monotony of it, because that is how people that are great at what they do is, is that the process is a part of them. They didn't just magically become, you know, the goat of their profession. Right? Like they, they fell in love with the monotony of throwing a ball 500 times a day. Mm-hmm. to be good at where it goes.

What have you shooting the BA basketball or you know, if we, you know, we're not, we can't all be sport people, but you know, we're being really good at your job. Like there is a lot of monotony in it and so be okay with that. It's not gonna be all fun. So that's all I have to say. If we have to fall in love with the process.

Yes, yes. I've been actually thinking about that with parenting.

Because so much of it is just, it is being present in a situation that's maybe not exciting to me. Mm-hmm. , and then I ha it's like, how can I enjoy this one moment? Mm-hmm. , or how can I fall in love with this situation of changing a poopy diaper ? Well, it's not even that, it's just. Just being in it. You don't have to like it or dislike it.

Right. You just have to know that it is. It is what it is. Yeah. You don't have to like it or dislike it. It is, yeah. There's no getting grounded. Yeah. It just is. Well, and yeah, I think the thing too is like when, you know, my son is now two and temper tantrums are imminent, . And daily, you know? So it's like, okay, am I gonna allow myself to get worked up and stressed out every time?

No. Cuz if I do that, I'm gonna lose my mind. Right. So it's like really working on my own, like self-regulation techniques, through this process and it's like, . Yeah. I just have to be with it. Mm-hmm. . Yeah. And that's how I feel about cooking. I used to love cooking so much, and I don't so much anymore, and I know a lot of people out there feel the same way, but it's like, well, I have these beliefs about what I have, these values about how I take in food and how my body feels, and so I have to cook the thing.

Yeah. And so I just do it anyway, but I don't hate on it, but I also don't force myself to love it either. Yeah. We're not, we're not talking about toxic positivity, , right? No, I, right, exactly. Like I don't force myself to love the situation, but I also don't hate on it because I don't want that feeling either.

So it's like, okay, I know you're tired. It's okay. And then we just, we do the, we do the thing. I mean, that brings up a good point, which is like complaining. I think that's like something that I'm trying to be more mindful of and how I would like to reduce complaining overall. Mm-hmm. , because what is the point?

Like for all of 2023, I want to like just extinct saying that I'm tired. Mm. So actually, if anybody out there hears me say it, or if you hear me say it, I just want you to be like, Don't say that, but what if you are actually getting tired? What will you say? I didn't get enough sleep last night and I'm feeling the effects of that statistic.

We're just gonna make it long, long-winded version. It's interesting cuz it's like if I tell you I'm tired, what are you supposed to do with that? You're like, go take a nap. Maybe I could tell you like, Hey, I'm not up for. Our meeting today, like, I don't know, I feel like you just take it to the next level.

Mm-hmm. Of like, what do I actually need? Like telling Wow. Telling you my problem isn't really helpful. Or like changing anything. So it'd be like, Hey, I'm needing some space or I'm needing some rest. Do you think we could reschedule this or you know, that's just me too. Wow. Yeah. I mean, but think about, yeah, so if everybody out there thought about the thing that they say, what is their default?

and if you really took some time to think about it, what is it that you actually really need when you are saying, I'm busy, I'm tired, I'm whatever. And see how that shifts your self care. Well, yeah. And it's really challenging cuz a lot of people have problem asking for help or saying no or mm-hmm. , you know, nurturing themselves or nourishing themselves in some ways.

So I just kind of feel like we're constantly being like, I'm just so tired. I'm so busy, I'm so tired, I'm so busy. And like, I'm declaring it here, and that's my 2023 resolution. Okay. I'm right here. Love it. Exciting. I think that that's really great. I can't, I'm gonna ponder on that, son. Yeah. I'm gonna, I'm gonna think about that myself and I bet you like the next time I talk to you, I'm gonna be like, Ugh, I'm such,

but it's, you know, we gotta bring awareness to it. It's a practice. It's not an overnight ship. Oh. How are you gonna hold yourself accountable? Well, I'm, I'm asking people who hear me say it to them, my friends that are listening to tell me, yeah. I'm just, every time I that I am aware of it, I'm gonna ask myself, what do I really need right now?

Like, am I giving myself what I need? Am I asking for the help that I need? What, what, what is the next level of that statement? Mm-hmm. I'm just gonna have to repeat that over and over again until I get to the habit of going to that next level automatically. I just thought of something. This will resonate with potentially other parents out there that have older kids, teenagers.

I frequently say to my husband, I just don't know what to do. I know what to do. Sure. I'm just not willing to follow through with it. Like, I don't, I don't answer my own question because I don't want the answer. Cause I don't wanna have to like do the hard thing of taking the computer out of the room and doing like, going through that whole drama with the 13 year old on, you know, their addiction with it's video game.

It's hard to follow through as a parent on things because what it sees you is like, oh, I'm gonna take it away. It's like, now I have to feel the wrath off my child. And, you know, it's, it's not like, it's not how I imagined it for my parents when I was a kid. Like, oh, it just must be so easy for them. hahaha

We hear that all the time with weight related or health related things. They're like, I just don't, I don't know what to do. And I'm like, what if we give it a guess? You know? And then they give me like immediately like three amazing responses. I'm like, what if we start there? We do know a lot more than we give ourselves credit for.

Thanks and good luck to everyone out there exploring their resolutions, boundaries, their, I don't knows, I'm tired, I'm, I'm busy. All of the things, and we hope that you also. Reflect on when you, if you have any, when I to lies. Well, I sure hope we gave you something new to think about this year and helped you take one more step on your path to freeing yourself from diet culture.

Please be sure to subscribe to this podcast and follow us on Instagram at path underscore nutrition. Don't forget to visit us on path nutrition.com. Bye bye now. Happy New Year!