Episode #16 Weight as a Protective Mechanism
Did you know that we can feel so unsafe in our body, that we can hold on to weight to have a sense of protection? Listen in as we chat a bit about weight as a protective mechanism. Trigger warning: we mention sexual assault, but do not go into any details.
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You are listening to wait a minute with Beth and Jessica episode 16.
Hello, and welcome back again, everyone. We are starting today with a trigger warning. Today's top. Could bring up some stronger emotions as we talk about how holding on to weight can act as a protective barrier. We do mention sexual assault and abuse, but we do not describe anything in detail. So if this is something that may cause you to stress, please feel free to pass on this.
Week's. Okay. So, as we mentioned above today, we are going to be talking about weight gain or the inability to feel like you're able to get to your natural weight and how it can be tied to traumas that we may have experienced in life. And we have mentioned before in some of our previous podcasts that our past experiences and the emotions that get stored with them can affect our.
Trauma can change how a gene expresses itself or in some cases turn on inactive genes. It can also lead to unconscious behaviors in an effort to protect ourselves. Yes. So let's talk more about this back to when was the first time that you heard, this was even a thing. It was interesting because you know how, when you're sort of open to different things, you hear them from different places, kind of all at once.
And you're like, how did I go all this time? Not hearing it once. And now I'm hearing it from multiple places. From two different places. I was learning from around the same general time, but it was definitely the psychology of eating course that we did several years ago that really opened my eyes to it.
And then it was also part of a case study that was presented at a functional medicine conference. And the concept that my world, my body is not safe. I need to be larger in size for PR to protect myself. Was. And totally new thought for me. I had never really thought that that thought of that before. So it was really interesting.
I mean, it made total sense. I was like, yeah, but I'd never really put those thoughts into action for myself about how that could be a possibility because I was still pretty new and understanding how. Trauma and emotions impact us all. So there's that I'm still kind of transitioning out of missional, dietetics or traditional nutrition.
Yeah. Yeah. And I was so engrossed in culinary for so long too. So. That's sort of like how animals will puff up or stand up and do a variety of things to appear bigger and more threatening to predators. And so a similar human response can be that I will gain weight more easily or hold onto weight because I do not feel safe.
And most of that response is not coming from a direct conscious thought. Like people are cotton are not thinking, oh, I need to be bigger to get people to mess with me. So I'm gonna eat this stuff or not take care of myself in a helpful way. It's very under the radar awareness because that's how trauma works.
Yes. I remember my mind being blown too, when we learned about this in the eating psychology program, because. But we've learned from diet culture is that your weight is just about what you eat and your behaviors with food. But I hadn't yet opened up my mind to the ideas of like, why do we have these certain behaviors or why our bodies might hold on as a means of protection?
And like you said, it made a lot of sense. Especially since I, at the time had personally just gone through some pretty intense, like personal therapy. And I was learning more about my own nervous system and how I personally show up into the world having experienced traumas that it just sort of clicked for me.
I was like, yeah, this does make sense. So can you give us some examples of what kind of experiences might lead our bodies to hold on? Yeah, they can be physical or most and or emotional abuse we received from caregivers. That is a part of it and is very much a part of metabolic factors like diabetes and things of that nature.
So it can be related to that and sexual abuse or assault, unwanted attention from people known or unknown to us either like a one-time. No event that was very emotionally charged. And you kind of store that in, or there's just that constant barrage of people giving you unwanted information about yourself.
And then I've also heard of it. And people that have partners that are not secure when the other person gets attention for their bodies. So they might have met. Come together being a larger body to person. And then they got, they wanted to get healthy. And so then they lost weight. And so they started getting attention from others and the partner did not like that.
And so then in order to preserve that relationship, that they value so much, the go back. To some of those old behaviors. And again, it's not always a conscious decision. It's just something that happens. And then also not feeling seen or heard in many aspects of your life. So maybe if I become bigger or have more presence than maybe I will be.
Seen and heard more. Yeah. And just to go back to that, partner's one, I feel like it's not even always just partners, right? It can be friends or family send people, signals like, oh, we're not going to keep this relationship because you've changed because it's their own traumas and issues that are, you know, projected onto this relationship.
It feels we've heard. From an pupil that the friends or family get threatened by their news students. So, which is very confusing to people because they feel like, well, why wouldn't they want to port an alternate? And then they're just like, they don't kind of know what to do with information because our tribe has everything.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, because that's what makes you feel safe. It's being part of a tribe, which is just interesting how that plays it's I'm not safe, but I want to be safe. And the things that we do to try to manage. I was also just thinking about the unwanted attention one too. And how that just me personally, I think about being like a fourth grader with boobs, it's not necessarily, oh, this was super traumatic on some level.
It's how you're getting this unwanted attention that you don't know what to do with, we're not here to compare traumas. I guess there's so many levels of different things that may have landed differently with you and different experiences that you've had in your life that may or may not be impacting you.
And I do resonate a lot with not. Feeling seen or heard. And it's such a pain point for me that I do work on that with coaching and therapy, but I think it's also just complex. There's so many pieces to unpack with all of these scenarios, the way that you consciously and subconsciously processed them are going to be different from each other.
And I think you also can't eat Paul about how you feel and think about them over time. So we're just kind of glossing over these experiences, but we definitely want you to know that we understand that. An infinite number of things that can, yeah. I don't want to be insensitive to how it can show up and just kind of giving examples of the most common ways.
And again, we're not trying to bring up painful things for people. So it's just, this is where it can come from. Please be aware of your whole self and how all of you throughout your life is impacting your health today. Yeah. And so it's just, we may think, oh, I have all these things. I have it all altogether.
I have all this stuff, but then it's, well, how much have we shoved down? Because that's what we're conditioned to do. Or it happened at a time where we had no idea how to process it. And therefore, because we're so young that it just is in there. We're like, oh, it's just kind of like a fact of life and, or we forgot about it more or less, but that process is still running in the background.
Yeah. Completely subconsciously. And without even it doesn't have to be the story of her life or whatever. It's something that you're thinking about on a conscious basis is just so I picked up this habit along the way, and this is just what I do. And we haven't really given it much thought as to why we're acting that way.
Can you give us some more examples of what protective behavior looks like with food and bodies? Yeah, the behaviors that help to support the bodies that are getting that signal that they need to have this protection. Like we mentioned before, it can be very subtle, like unconscious snacking. It can also show up as strong urges for certain foods.
There's a lot of people who are like, well, I just, I have to have dessert every night. Like I just get such an intense craving for it and it just won't go away. So, again, those things can show up as other stuff, but if we can kind of think about even the whole person that this might be, why some of those things were there, or it can be eating more than usual, if something has triggered you and you may not even be aware of the triggers.
So I wouldn't go as to far as to say that it's like a Benj, it can be like a Benj, but it can also just be that. My have like more comfort foods for that meal that day after having experienced something that you weren't even really aware that happened. And so you're just like, no, nothing will do, but X, Y whatever is your comfort meal, and you might overdo it on it.
And to feel that discomfort that may happen more frequently, depending on the person and how they are able to. Color nerve system is on a day-to-day basis. Great seeking safety. Through food, essentially feeling it's like the basis of life having a full belly is just, yeah, that can be pretty warm and comforting.
For sure. So yeah, a question I like to teach people to ask themselves when they suddenly have awareness of a behavior that maybe they think it's something that they need to stop. What you just mentioned is just let's start with, how is. Behavior supporting me. So we encourage them to get curious first about why maybe this behavior is actually helpful to them.
At some point in time, if we can get curious, we can find compassion for ourselves first, which we know is the first place to start because we can't shame ourselves out of a shame spiral. Correct. And so again, it can be complex to navigate. I don't think a single question or an aha moment is going to change your behaviors overnight because that's not how.
So, how does someone go about really healing from this kind of painful cycle? It depends on the severity of the trauma and how that person is able to process the actions behind it. So for some people, they may have been carrying around an event that happened to them and they didn't tell anyone. And so just having the doorway.
Opened in with somebody that they known trust can start the healing process and really create a lot of that initial relief. And again, it's not like that one time share is going to undo it all, but that can really start that healing process like, oh, I don't need to hold onto this and I can see how this is really been affecting me.
And some people may be able to get coached through it, but there are some limitations to both coaching in those for, you know, for trauma. And then some of these other behaviors that are stuck on our nervous system that. But for many, I personally feel like therapy that incorporates healing models like somatic therapy, ifs, EMDR, maybe some polyvagal, depending on how that person uses it are really going to be quite effective in healing, the nervous system and kind of unwinding that pattern that's on it and getting, getting it to all be in that safe mode, feeling safe in the body again.
So, yeah. So if have a cognitive behavioral. Siri therapist, then it would be good to also incorporate some of these other. Nervous system based models because it's not all just in the story that's in that we carry it's in your biology. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, the story can be helpful, but for many, depending on, you know, what happened.
The story is too painful to tell. And so to retell, it is almost like re-traumatizing themselves. So doing some of these other healing models where you don't have to tell the story out loud, But you can still have the internal healing because it's a process that's working through, but it's not, it doesn't have to be vocalized.
Cause it's still is two way, but in a different way. So, so that can also be really helpful for some, because in cognitive behavior theory, you have to talk about it. But if you're not able to talk about it, then you know, that's why some of these other healing modalities can be really effective. Yeah, no, I totally agree.
I think if you've experienced trauma of any kind and you haven't explored therapy yet, as of some kind, you know, first, like first and foremost, that's a really important place to start. Touching often comes. I feel like after some of that work has been integrated, but not always. And I feel like coaching, you can coach specifically in the present.
It doesn't have to, you don't have to retell the story, but it is definitely more cognitive. And it's not, even though we do process emotions, it's not the same as some of these other modalities that are definitely going to be really working on the nervous system and your biology specifically. I'm not going to break down all of the nuances of each of those, but it is a good place to start.
You can always do them in tandem. As well, and that's why Beth and I like to work together. Sometimes we have clients go back and forth with different modalities, and there's just many tools that can be used to support you in your healing relationship, your body and food. And sometimes it takes more than one, or you're just going to need to try different things and see what lands for you.
I know Beth and I, we like different things for our own personal healing and that's totally okay. Everybody's totally different. Yeah. I find that people will find themselves in say, A weight loss program with a coach or nutrition professional that just asks more than what do you eat? How much that sort of thing.
Then I was a little deeper. They can ask questions. Like you mentioned before of how has this behavior serving me. And it may not be something they ever thought of before. And so sometimes those traditional ways that people go about supporting their health or their weight loss journey. The coach or the nutrition professional can shine a light on something and then they can go and work with that person and then get some other supporting help as well.
So sometimes we don't even know until we're in. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It could be like the sixth appointment before someone say, oh yeah, by the way, this experience. And you're like, ah, okay, like we need to talk about that and potentially refer out or whatever. So, yeah. And we'll get a little unnerved when I asked them, have you had any accidents or some really personal questions and they're really thrown off and I have to be like, These all things affect your health overall.
And so they're really important to know. And then when I finish at the end, I'm like, if there's anything that came to you. Afterwards after we get off the phone that you remember, please feel free to send me a message. Yeah. Yeah. We've had many first time appointments with tears. I would say that might be more common than not common.
So I don't, yeah. I'm not trying to freak out, but yeah, it's totally normal to feel this level of like unburdened burdening in that first appointment. And then some people are taken off guard. They're like, oh, I didn't want a therapist. I didn't come here for Sam. And we're like surprise or connected. So no, we're not.
Therapist, but we definitely have that pile of all of our favorite therapists in town on hand to share with people. So, yeah. So I just kind of want to, not to be the therapy horse. Well, I mean, that's kind of how our whole journey, like the reason why I am, where I am is because of this concept pretty much, because I feel like, yeah, like in the, in the beginning I was writing meal plans for people and then we would get people to the meal plans and then they wouldn't do them.
And then we would. All of this other stuff. And we were like, okay, wow, we really need to refer. We need to get a therapist involved because there's a lot of challenges here. And I think we both knew, Hey, there's gotta be a bridge. I don't necessarily just want to throw the therapist, everybody that walks through the door, not everybody needs that.
So that's why we started with the psychology of eating was to really kind of bridge the gap and be able to have more skills and tools to help people with this. And then. The coaching and for you the ifs, like we just keep accumulating tools to be able to support this because we know that this component of it is so huge for so many people before we move on with this main takeaway, I did want to kind of ask you a question that we haven't talked about.
I think I'm just thinking about the person who might be listening who's okay. So I'm going to do my emotional work and then all of a sudden 50 pounds are going to fall off my body. And so what does that look like? Is it looked like, oh, Hey, can the body actually just whoosh weight off magically from having an emotional response, or now that I'm able to manage my emotions better, my behaviors are changing and therefore, now my body is changing.
Can be both, depending on the complexity of the issue, the how long, how much everything is involved, how much some of our other beliefs about ourselves are tied in with it. So on and so forth. So I think, I think there is no real right answer on that, but some initial feeling lighter and that may show up as potentially weight on the scale, but just the physical sensation of feeling lighter from really starting to release the burden is really helpful.
And then some of it is hush. Wow. Okay. Yeah. I really have been using. Food in this way. And I didn't realize. And so I'm able to change some of those relationships with food, and then yeah, there might be some weight loss. I wouldn't say go looking in your trauma history in your life for trauma has grease so you can lose weight.
That's not what I thank you for adjusting. I just think it's right. And just because you have experienced any number of traumas doesn't mean that this is awesome. Applicable to you. Right. Versus, but it's just something that we see mainly is it's not just food. It's like not the single problem. It's not calories in calories out a meal plan is not going to solve your behaviors with food.
If there's other needs that need to be met on an emotional level. And if you're struggling and you're not sure where to begin or know which tools might be most helpful for you, please book a call with us. We're here and we're not the resource for you. Then we're going to let you know that. Absolutely.
And hopefully we can point you in the right direction. Like Beth said, we have our pile of therapists that we love and there's even other dieticians and other people who specialize in very specific things that we refer to as well. Yeah. I actually do want to add a question here too, which is we're talking about Ray weight as a protector and you do internal family systems and we know that the protectors apart.
So can you just add in a quick, like, Explanation of what is the protectors job? I mean, obviously the productive job is to keep us safe, but can you just elaborate on that? I guess. So for example, the protectors job is to keep the part of you that experienced the event from being. Having to feel that again, or having to be vulnerable like that again, or to those feelings to come up, because it is dangerous to the, or a problem, you know, a problem to the rest of the system.
And so they try to just keep that all kind of squashed down. Right. And so then the protector can be that way and it often will try to just be controlling in some particular way. And then when that job is. Not good enough. And the emotions start to erupt. Then there's usually another part that we like to kind of, they call it a firefighter, heard it as a different way.
Some other therapists have kind of described it as a different way then it's oh, no, the feelings are coming up. We got to make this feeling go away as soon as possible. And so then that's where food, drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, the phone, all those things that can create a distraction. Well can come in.
And so it's oftentimes as a, two-parter like two things protecting the same. Well, I usually call it a little person, but it can for sure be like an adult version of you, but the part of you that was experiencing the trauma. And so do you think when we talk about being healed or healing, that's a pretty like charged statement.
For most people, at least the way I've experienced it is it doesn't mean that you're not going to have those uncomfortable feelings come up ever again. It just means that now your nervous system and your cognitive system probably have better tools to support you when it does come up. Is that how I would describe that?
Because then so in the ifs model, what we, you know, is when. You know, a part has been on burdened and is not carrying around, say those feelings of shame or feeling. So VAR, vulnerable or name, whatever it was that it took on from that time period. Then when it comes up, then from yourself, your heart space, your, the whole, you can be like, oh, I can see that you're that this is really setting free.
You can start to then be aware of, oh, I'm starting to behave in this particular way. Some of us just get really irrational and yell and scream, or we might just find ourselves standing in the cabinet, just kind of poking around eating little that. And so anyways, it will allow you to then just be able to be more aware and.
Connect with and understand what's happening and yeah. And then oftentimes then the trigger is not so immediate. It's a little bit more level to be aware of it, or you can even see it happening in real time. It's okay. Yeah. So particularly if it's related to a family member, That creates that's started the original emotional abuse about, or comments about your body.
You can have it happening in real time. And so you can either develop the tools to be like, to finally set those boundaries that you're not allowed to talk to me that way or about my body or any one of those things. This is then you are actually in a place where you. Do that with that person, or you can see it coming and just be like, okay, this person is this way.
Uh, and I can choose to ignore sometimes just having the awareness, even if the behavior doesn't shift is like, I don't know. I mean, I think there's been, or we're going to have new experiences in our lives. Like things that like future traumas that we don't even know, like maybe being a primary caretaker of a dying parent or, I mean, there's so many things, there's a lot of stuff in the world that we haven't experienced and maybe we don't even know how to be equipped for them yet.
And because of this prior work, you can at least have the awareness of, oh, this is something I don't know how to handle. And here are the ways that I know how to support myself, or sometimes I just like to let. Hey, you know what? I don't know what else to do right now. So I think I'm going to eat my feelings for sure.
And I'm just, and that again, it's, I'm doing it consciously and with awareness and it's, I really am. Exactly. Like I am eating this very delicious mashed potatoes with cream gravy on it, because that's what I need right now, you know, guy, right. I mean, obviously it's not immediately relieved by the mashed potatoes, but it really just helps me to self-sooth this way.
Just a little bit of dope for me, the comfort for me. And so then it's okay. I can do this and then be able to continue the additional healing. Yeah. So I guess just like to be clear, it's like, there's no magical Effexus if you are someone who's prone to eating feelings, that doesn't mean that once your yield, you're never going to eat a feeling again.
You just won't get.
Eat every feeling. So there's that too. So you want, that would be kind of last and then, but when you do, you were able to name it and do it from a place of self care instead of an unconscious protective mechanism. It's interesting that with one particular action or behavior. It can be self-sabotage or it can be self care and it's okay.
It's the exact same action, but it's, it really is about what is the, the intention.
Goodness.
Okay. So normally we do our segment where each week we keep our eyes peeled for things in the media or in real life that come from diet culture or perpetuate diet culture in some way. I didn't see anything this week or maybe I just didn't notice it. How about you? Same. I didn't see anything. Was I keep, so I'm getting the bar, the bars that are going to help me stay fasting snack, and some still getting those ads.
And then I'm just getting all the. Frozen macro meals, which that their mess is not toxic. So I'm just like, okay. I mean, if anything, I feel like I've seen some positive things, like actually saw a life coach on the news where the news caster was like, Okay. So give me the tips of how I'm going to lose weight.
And the guy was like, well, actually, and he was like, change comes from within and it's all about mindset. Like he just totally gave all the same answers that wouldn't be. I know it was amazing. And then I don't know, answering, I don't even remember. I don't really remember. Cause it was just some random daytime thing on this.
We don't even have normal news. So. I want to say it was like on cakes, I enter something, but I was like impressed because that's not normally what you would see. It'd be like somebody giving you diet tips. So I love that. And then I'm actually seeing a lot of stuff on fitness, but I feel like what I'm seeing is all really great tips on being sustainable and not going nuts.
So, so far I'm actually, I'm seeing a shift and I'm hoping that as a trend in 2022, so like, I hope it doesn't turn into greenwash. Like how green washes. Oh, it's eco-friendly but it's really not. So yeah, there's definitely, yeah, there's definitely some of that, but as I'm human and that's just where I go. I mean, I like to think of that as at least people are starting.
To learn. Yeah. So even if they're getting it wrong right off the bat, that's what, at least it's not the old stuff. So maybe it is just part of the shift. I don't know. Yeah. Well, I sure hope that we gave you something new to think about today and helped you take one more step on your path to freeing yourself from diet culture.
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